


A Most Peculiar Gentleman

by rorywritesstuff



Series: Felix [2]
Category: AUSTEN Jane - Works, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Aliens, Apocalypse, Comedy, Disguise, Gen, Jane Austen - Freeform, Love, Marriage, Mole - Freeform, Regency Era, Undercover, Wedding, companion - Freeform, doctor who - Freeform, felix - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 04:48:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6180796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rorywritesstuff/pseuds/rorywritesstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane Austen calls on her old friend the Doctor to help her save the planet and maybe talk some sense into those who insist on meddling in her private life. <br/>COMPLETED</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The village of Swythe, just outside Northampton, was a small one. It was not near to any main roads, nor were there any delights there afforded which were unique. It was oft forgotten when planning which route to take from the Southern comforts of London to the chilly beauty of the North or the reverse. And so the residents of Swythe were most delighted when they received two visitors of note, and both in the same summer!

The first was a young lady of most excellent wit and unerring composure. She came from the South and intented to stay some weeks with a friend of hers in the village. Though unmarried, she seemed to live comfortably enough and enjoyed nothing more than sitting down to write- letters, she professed, although they were of a most excessive length. This young woman's name, it soon came to be known throughout the village, was Jane Austen.

The second visitor was a Jarofvex that tried to destroy the world.

**********

Felix leant over the rails in the TARDIS and tried to count every staircase and corridor that he could see. He lost track around two hundred.

"How big is this thing?" Felix asked, leaning even futher forward and risking plummeting into the unfathomable depths.

"About as big as the Library at Alexandria."

"And how big was that?"

"Dunno. Someone burnt it down before I got there."

Felix paused and then looked over his shoulder. "Well, can't you just go back?"

"What?"

"You said it was a time machine."

"Exactly- not a fire engine."

Felix furrowed his brow, and tried to figure out which flaws in this argument to point out first, but he was interrupted by a high-pitched whistling sound from the console. It caught the Doctor's attention too, and he pressed a button, flicked a switch and span a little pin-wheel that was perched next to a monitor.

"What does that do?" Felix asked, pointing at the pin-wheel.

"It makes pretty colours as it spins," The Doctor replied as he looked at the screen.

The whistling stopped and a message popped up on the monitor.

"Ooh! I've got an email!" The Doctor cooed excitedly. His eyes scanned the screen, "Oh, it's from Jane!"

"Who's she?" Felix asked, coming around and looking at the screen.

"Friend from the olden days- a writer. Got a few things published; they even made a couple of movies from her stuff."

Felix paused, "Do you mean Jane Austen?"

The Doctor gawped, "Do you two know each other? What are the chances? Especially with you being born three hundred and ten years apart."

Felix ignored him, not sure if he was being serious. "Jane Austen had email?"

"Sort of," The Doctor had begun to play with more attachments on the console and Felix felt the ship begin to move, "Although, of course, she wouldn't have called it that."

"What would she call it?"

"Electronic mail. Always so formal, is Miss Austen. "

The engines began to wheeze and lights flashed. They were off.

"So what did she write?" Felix asked.

"Um, Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Northanger Abbey-"

"I meant to you."

The Doctor scanned the screen again, while still frantically mashing buttons, "An absolute bloody essay, as per usual, but what it boils down to is- the earth's in trouble and she needs a lift into town."

"Right...what order did she put that information in?"

A spectrometer on the console oscillated wildly- the Doctor whacked it with his hand and it settled down. "Well, she only really mentioned the end of the world bit, but I inferred- she only calls me when she's stuck."

The engines stopped wheezing and the TARDIS settled down. Felix looked towards the door, "So outside that door is..."

"1814. A village called Swythe, in Northamptonshire, mostly famous for-"

But Felix wasn't listening- he was running towards the doors, desperate to see a different age. He flung them open and looked around- it was a house, like the ones he'd seen in period dramas, or that his aunt had dragged him around when he was a boy. Behind him he heard a woman gasp; he turned around and was face to face with Jane Austen.


	2. Chapter 2

Felix was surprised at how instantly recognisable she was: he'd studied Austen in university and had seen a few portraits, but had, somewhat shamefully, always pictured her just as being Jennifer Ehle in the BBC Pride and Prejudice; but this was definitely the real article. She had dark brown hair, a small, pale face and the unmistakable air of someone who had been told repeatedly that they are not attractive.

He realised that she was studying him in return. "Doctor," she breathed, "Is that you?" She reached out to touch his face and reflectively Felix leaned back. "So changed." She whispered.

And then the Doctor bounded out of the TARDIS, "Hello, Miss Austen!"

Immediately Jane's hand fell to her side and she rushed over to the Doctor, "Oh, Doctor, thank providence!" She smiled at him, "I thought perhaps your face had altered again."

"No, no. Still rocking the chin." He responded, happily.

"And a bowtie," she added, pointedly.

"Hey now, bowties are-"

"No, Doctor, no." She turned to look at Felix. "So, who's this?"

Felix raised a hand in greeting, "Felix. Acton." He was unsure whether or not he should bow; he tried to remember what they did in films.

"Felix is my friend," The doctor explained, "From Birmingham."

"Oh!" Austen exclaimed, intrigued. "Are you perhaps related to Lady Maria Acton? With the forty acre estate?"

"No." Felix shook his head quite decisively, "Well, I mean, I guess I might be. Although, if I am, then inheritance tax is a-"

The Doctor coughed very loudly and then said, "So, Miss Austen, what seems to be the problem?"

"Didn't you get my note?" She asked.

"Well, 'note' is such a short word."

"I explained the predicament in some detail."

"Yes, well, emphasis on some. No, wait, emphasis on detail. Just give me the bitesize version."

Jane's brow furrowed, "I don't understand."

"What's gone wrong?" Felix helped.

"Cassandra Bixby is engaged to a monster." Austen replied.

"Well, I'm sorry, but there's not much I can do about that." The Doctor sucked in air through his teeth, "Domestics aren't really my thing."

"Have you tried taking her out and getting her off with someone else?" Felix suggested.

"No, Doctor, I mean she's betrothed to an alien."

"So?" Asked Felix; it was an unconscious reaction. He could feel his blood begin to boil, and an itching under his scalp- he'd had this conversation too many times in the last three years, from when he'd started dating Narrath.

"It is unnatural." She responded, as though this was self-evident, "He has bewitched her."

"Maybe she wants to be bewitched." Felix retorted, trying to keep his temper in check.

"I simply cannot think that of her." Austen sounded like it was genuinely the worst thing she could think of.

Felix was about to get into full-on rant mode when the Doctor stepped in between them and asked Jane "How do you know this man's an alien?"

"I saw him. Often he appears normal, even handsome, but I caught a glance of his true appearance. It was not of this world."

The Doctor rubbed his preponderence of chin, "Did he look a bit like a starfish with gangrene?"

"No," Austen answered, clearly disgusted by the thought.

"Not a Zygon, then. Probably using some kind of Schimmer. Must've slipped for a second; how long has she known him?"

"A month- which to Cassandra is a lifetime. She declared herself an old maid at fifteen."

"That's a while to keep a Schimmer up- no wonder he slipped." The Doctor mused, beginning to pace up and down "Must be up to something important. Is there anything special about Cassandra?"

"Her gaiety." Jane made the word sound like a class A felony.

Felix snorted, and hid it behind his hand. She turned on him.

"You seem to have a touch of it yourself, sir." She said to Felix, again accusingly.

"You have no idea how right you are," Felix replied.

"Miss Austen," said the Doctor, "Can you take us to her?"

"No." Jane looked at the floor for a second then back up, "She will not see me. This past summer, she made particular friends with a puritan woman from the colonies and so has become a keen advocate of the Beknight movement." The Doctor furrowed his brow, she explained "They do not allow intimate engagement between married and unmarried women: I can only speak to Cassandra if I bring my husband with me." She smirked, "Honestly, until now I had not thought it worth the worry."

The Doctor smiled and his eyes glinted, "Jane, how would you like to get hitched?"

"Absolutely not."

"It may save the world."

She sighed and rolled her eyes, "Fine then. If I must."


	3. Chapter 3

The Doctor bounded off towards the TARDIS. Felix held the door open for Jane. "After you," he said, tipping his head slightly.

She cocked an eyebrow at him, "Don't condescend to me." She hitched her skirt to slightly abover her ankle and stepped into the box.

Felix rolled his eyes and muttered, "Don't condescend AT me," and followed her inside. Jane looked at once completely out of place- the cold metal and technological wiring clashed eerily with her long, flowing dress- and entirely at home- the look on her face told Felix she had been in here before. She certainly didn't seem phased at the size discrepancy between the interior and the exterior, something which had nearly floored Felix. She pulled out an I-phone from a concealed compartment in her dress.

"Oh my God," Felix said to no one in particular, "Jane Austen has a nicer phone than I do."

"I tried to capture a likeness of the beast, but he defied me," Austen explained, showing her phone screen to the Doctor: a severely blurry photograph, with only the faintest intimations of a humanoid somewhere near the centre.

"You haven't been flashing that about, have you?" Asked the Doctor, concerned, "You'll undo history."

"We can trade if you like," Felix suggested, pulling the brick of a Nokia that he'd had since he was fifteen, "This'd fit in in the Middle Ages."

"I have been the very soul of discretion." Jane told the Doctor, ignoring Felix entirely. "It has been trying though, Doctor: I really want to trounce someone at Words with Friends."

The Doctor studied the alleged photograph, "I've heard of Schimmers being a bit tricky to snap before, but this is something else: it's practically warping the lens. It must be a very, very advanced model. What would that be desperate to hide its shape?" He rubbed his chin and then glanced at the TARDIS console, "I hate doing this..."

"What?" Asked Felix and Jane in unison.

The Doctor spun on his heel and started ostentatiously jabbing at buttons, "A full-area Exo-biology scan." Once again, he flicked the pinwheel, "Should show me any lifeforms not native to Earth in the vicinity."

"Sounds pretty useful," said Felix.

"Not really. On any square mile of earth there's guaranteed to be at least forty three different species of quote unquote 'aliens'."

"That many?" Felix was incredulous.

"What do you think's in yoghurt?" The Doctor responded, and then glanced at the nearest monitor- it was lit up with green shapes that looked like Power Rangers villains to Felix. "Hmm...some Florans, Xylocks, Krilitane, a couple of Judoon, naturally, but none of those would use Schimmers...ah!" He pointed at a particular, indistinct blob. "There. A Jarofvex."

"A what?" Asked Austen.

"Imagine a mole with a harpoon for an arm."

"Eww." Felix grimaced.

"Okay then, don't," The Doctor replied, "But you're gonna see it anyway. We're gonna have to crack its Schimmer and stop it, whatever it's up to."

"Why?"

"Jarofvexes are seismovores- they eat the cores of planets. Normally, they just burrow straight down and chew, but something must be stopping it." He turned to glance at the screen again and then at Austen. "This Bixby woman, does she have a geothermal power plant on her estate?"

"I don't know what that is." Austen responded, folding her arms.

"Oh right, Regency England," The Doctor remembered, "Does she have a really deep pit?"

"No. The Bixby estate is appealing in its own way, if you appreciate ostentation, but there is nothing there that would call out to such a beast."

"Except Cassandra," Felix muttered.

"Well, we need to meet this girl and we need to see her house and we need to see her fiance and before all of that...we need to figure out how we met." He turned to Jane and made mock goo-goo eyes at her.

"Oh, Doctor, must we do this?" Jane sounded positively exasperated.

"You said yourself that Cassandra won't see you unless you've got a fiance, and we need to get inside. And we need a believable story. Felix," The Doctor turned to face his friend, "How did you meet your boyfriend? The alien one."

Austen's jaw dropped and her eyes bulged with shock, "Boyfriend?" She gasped.

"How is that the strange part?" Felix asked her. The Doctor coughed and Felix turned back to him, "We met online," he summarised.

"Alright, we'll tell them that." The Doctor clapped his hands together and rubbed them, satisfied.

"Doctor, Regency England," Felix reminded him.

"Oh right. We'll say we met at a ball, then." He decided.

"You'll need to make her think you have some kind of income. That you're a person of fashion. Cassandra will not condescend to meet with the disadvantaged, unless the world is watching." Austen told him.

"Don't worry, I have just the costume for that!" The Doctor called and ran off down one of the TARDIS' many stairwells.

Jane and Felix stood in silence for a few seconds, glancing at each other and then turning away when they thought they saw the other looking. Finally Felix said, "So, Words with Friends?"

"Yes, it's a game for the mind." Austen replied, "I don't imagine you'd enjoy it."


	4. Chapter 4

The Doctor walked briskly, adjusting his top hat and cuff-links as he went. He walked past a pitch black corridor, then doubled back and stopped. The hallway emanated a particularly foreboding feeling- he'd removed all the lights and turned off the heaters when Felix had come aboard. The Doctor didn't want his new friend wondering down that particular hall. He stared down it, walked away again, then came back again. Then he walked away and came back once more. He'd vowed that he wouldn't go down there unless he absolutely had to. But this was an emergency...

He frowned and glanced from side to side, and then scuttled into the darkness.

Missy was always reading; always something filthy, always a huge grin on her face. The Doctor rapped on the glass, and she held up a finger, traced the last few lines with her eyes, snickered gleefully, and then put the book down.

"I know you can speed read," The Doctor commented.

"I just like to make you wait," she smirked, "keeps you eager." She looked him up and down, taking in his costume, "Are you going to a party?" She gasped and squealed with delight, "Will there be games? Pin the Murder on the Donkey?"

"There's a Jarofvex on the loose." Said the Doctor, cutting to the point "In Regency Enland. It's posing as a human. Why?"

"Well I don't know, dear; why is a raven like a writing desk? Other than they both burn if you use enough gasoline." She stood up from her bed and took a step towards the glass, "The real question is- why are you asking me for help?"

"You're a megalomaniac, Missy, and a stone cold murderer to boot. I thought you could provide me with some insight into the twisted mind of someone who'd kill an entire planet for a light snack."

"Well, I can't deduce that much from inside here, now, can I? But if you just let me pop out for a moment to take a look around, I'm sure I could really...take a good stab at it." Her eyes widened and she grinned wickedly.

"Why did I think you'd be of any use?" The Doctor turned to go.

"There must be something blocking the core." Missy called at the back of his head and he stopped, caught in the shadows of the hall, "My guess is, someone else wanted to use it so they got there first and sealed it off. It's probably trying to figure out who- sniff around as a human, ask around a bit, establish yourself as trustworthy and law-abiding and then stab them all in the night. That's what I'd do." She seemed almost wistful at the thought.

"That's disgusting," The Doctor said, still not turning to face her.

"Well, it's much easier than stabbing them in the day," She cackled and the Doctor set off down the corridor. Missy picked her book back up and smiled to herself, "He still wants me."


	5. Chapter 5

Felix and Austen sat in silence, at either ends of the control panel, Felix playing Snake and Jane Austen lost in Candy Crush. Occasionally, Felix would glance over and Jane would pretend not to notice. Eventually, deciding that he couldn't turn down an opportunity to chat with Jane Austen, even if she was a bigot, he asked, "What other apps have you got on there?"

She did not look up from her screen, "Only those in normal use: messaging, games, instagram-"

"You have instagram? What's your username?"

"It's private." She responded, coldly. "Oh, and also, there is this."

She tapped her screen and a high pitched whine filled the TARDIS. Felix threw his hands over his ears, "Oh, what is that?" He asked, trying not to shout, though he could barely hear.

Austen smiled, "It emits a loud noise particularly irksome to the young. I use it to keep birds and ruffians out of my garden."

At that moment, the Doctor ran jauntily up the stairs and spun around, "What do you think?" He was wearing a tailored tuxedo, white undershirt, bright red bow tie and black top hat.

"You look like a puffin with a chimney," Felix commented.

"Ridiculous," Jane agreed, "But it will have to do."

"Well, don't you two know how to make a man feel special?" He straightened his bow tie, "I think I look really cool."

"I bet a puffin does too."

The Doctor ignored this and crooked his arm for Austen to take. "Let's away, bride-to-never-be."

"Remember the 'never' part, Doctor; it's very important." She linked her arm in his and they began to head towards the doors.

"Wait, don't I need to change?" Asked Felix.

Jane turned around and appraised him, "No, I think your attire will quite suit the part."

"What part?"

"The servant."

Bixby Manor, located to the east of Swithe, occupied an estate most adequate for hunting, fishing and nuclear detonation. It was spacious and handsome, the envy of several prominent families in nearby Northampton.

Cassandra Bixby herself, a woman of no small income and with charm and beauty enough to be talked about even as far away as London, was self-possessed enough to quell the rumours and arguments that her early co-habitation with her intended had caused, by explaining to her associates that he had no home of his own, coming as he did from most far away (they took this to mean Scotland) and that the manor was quite big enough for them both to live quite comfortably without any impropriety.

She was engaged in rummy with some of those same associates when a maid entered and announced "Ma'am, there's a Miss Austen here to see you."

"Send her away, Mary," Cassandra didn't even look up from her cards, "I have made it quite clear that I will not keep her intimate company until she does away with her spinsterhood and settles down into the correct path of femininity." Here Cassandra nodded her head at Mrs. Ape, her puritan companion, who smiled at her and nodded in return.

"But, Ma'am, she's bought her husband."

Cassandra dropped her cards.

Jane, Felix and The Doctor stood in the parlour, Felix still marvelling at the fact he was standing in the 18th century. He tried not to let his mouth hang open as he took in the period detail of the house.

Suddenly, Cassandra entered, flanked by a servant. Felix found himself unconsciously standing up straighter.

"Jane!" Cassandra exclaimed.

"Miss Bixby," Jane nodded her head, the very picture of gentility.

"And who is this?" Cassandra asked, appraising the Doctor.

"Doctor John Disco," The Doctor said, doing an ostentatious bow. Behind him Felix snorted and the Doctor added, "And this is my mute butler who can't talk and definitely doesn't know how to use sarcasm."

Felix glared but shut his mouth.

"A doctor? Oh, Jane! And so handsome! Congratulations- this really is better than you ever could have hoped- but, 'Disco'?" Cassandra repeated, bemused, "I don't know that name."

"Well, you wouldn't, it's from...Albania." Jane elbowed the Doctor in the side and he amended this to, "Aberdeen."

"Oh, of course," Cassandra said before turning to Jane and taking her hand, squeezing it affectionately, "I am so glad to see that you have chosen the correct path," she beamed.

"This particular path chose me," Austen responded through gritted teeth.

"I am so glad to have your acquaintance again," Cassandra enthused and then added, "You simply must meet Mrs. Ape; you will adore her." She began to lead them through the hall.

"And where is your husband, Miss Bixby?" The Doctor asked.

"He is in another part of the house, getting dressed," Cassandra responded, "He is most concerned with his appearance."

"Oh, I should imagine so," Jane said.

They began to walk up the corridor, and Cassandra took Jane's arm in hers and began to regale her with all the news she had missed during the lapse in their friendship. Jane's smile became rather fixed. As they walked, the Doctor sidled over to Felix and whispered, "ou go explore the house, try and find the husband."

Felix's eyes widened, "And do what?"

"Get him down to the drawing room; I can undo his shimmer and expose him."

"Are you sure you should do that?" Felix queried; it just didn't sit well with him.

"I told you, he's trying to eat your planet. Do you know what those words mean?"

"Fine," Felix relented, "How do I get him down there?"

"You're an actor. Make something up."

"I'm a stand-up," Felix corrected him.

"So, make up something funny." The Doctor responded.

"I hate improv."

"Oh, and you're meant to be mute, so no talking." The Doctor patted him on the shoulder and then walked briskly away, catching up with the women.

Felix rolled his eyes and muttered, "And I really hate charades."


	6. Chapter 6

Felix climbed a stairwell; it seemed as good a place to start as any. The house was so big- and so grand- he was certain he could spend an entire day searching and not see even half of the rooms. He ascended to the second floor, trying to take in every painting and piece of scenery as he could along the way. He had travelled back in time, he didn't want to miss anything.  
He passed some servants along the way- he tried hard not to think of them as 'other servants'- and they regarded him critically, but Felix used a piece of advice that Narrath had given him about blending in: if someone is staring at you, stare right back and seem disgusted. They'll then look down, ashamed.  
Felix looked up and down the corridor- any or all of the rooms could be bedrooms, if indeed this guy was even in his bedroom, and no indication that he was on the right floor or even in the right wing of the house. He decided he would just have to wing it- he opened a door at random and the room was empty.  
He tried another; the same.  
In the third, he came across two butlers canoodling and decided to leave them to it.  
In the fourth, the Jarofvex leapt out at him

**********

The Doctor and Jane were shown into the living room, and Cassandra cleared her throat to get the room's attention.  
"My esteemed acquaintances, I am so very pleased to announce the return of one of my firmest friends to Bixby Manor. Miss Jane Austen." Here she reached out and took Jane's reluctant hand in hers, "I was for the longest time afraid that Jane would never see the truth about companionship and affection. That she would be forever cut off from the warmest aspects of humankind. But today she has shown me that anyone can find love and that none are beyond hope. So please, friends, greet the future Mrs. John Disco."  
Jane's smile had become very fixed as the card players all stood up and came up to make her acquaintance one by one. Mrs. Ape took particular delight in shaking her hand and saying, in a grating American accent, "Well now, at last you can finally put to rest all that dreadful writing. A married woman needn't concern herself with keeping up with her friends, after all- she has her husband to fill her world."  
"The world must be so small a place for you, Mrs. Ape." Jane responded, with all the civility she could manage. The puritan raised an eyebrow but didn't respond, instead moving back to the table and resuming her game.  
"But, Cassandra," Jane pressed, "where is your husband? I so wish to see your world."  
"Oh, he is upstairs," Cassandra replied, "Eating. He has a most peculiar palette."

**********

"I smell metal," The Jarofvex intoned happily, "Metal and...electricity."  
It seemed to have been waiting for Felix behind the door. It had leapt on him the second he turned the knob, knocking him to the floor and pinning him there with its right arm. It took a deep breath in through its bizarre snout. It was sniffing him.  
The Doctor had been right, it looked a lot like a mole. But with terrible, wide eyes. It was covered in dark brown fuzz and had a triangular, sloping snout with thick, white, squirming bristles coming off. Its limbs were incredibly long, three of the four ending in finely-honed claws, and they seemed to curve rather than bend. Its left arm was made of shiny, chrome metal and had no digits, just one, horrific point.  
"Metal, metal, metal," it half-sang, "Will you give it to me?" The Jarofvex asked, flashing its horrid metal teeth in a grotesque parody of a smile, "If you do, I won't have to pluck it from you. Pluck, pluck, pluck." As it repeated this word, the metal in its arm quivered and danced, splitting into tendrils and then reforming.  
"You mean this?" Felix asked, gasping because of the creature's foul breath. He pulled his old nokia phone out of his pocket.  
"No!" The Jarofvex wailed, putting more weight against Felix's chest, its metal arm distorting and flexing. "Not that piece of junk, you luddite!" It snarled at him and then its eyes travelled to the ring on Felix's finger, on seeing its eyes somehow expanded even more, its whiskers bristled and the metal arm shivered with delight. "That little beauty." It supped the air and grinned, "So much energy, so much power."  
"Never!"  
"Then pluck, pluck." The Jarofvex raised its metallic limb, which took the form of a sharp blade. Before it could strike, Felix smashed his nokia into the Jarofvex's whiskers.  
It yelped and fell to the side, and he jumped up and bolted down the stairs, calling behind him "Pluck you!"


	7. Chapter 7

Once Cassandra was done showing off her infinite capacity for forgiveness and humility, the Doctor, Jane, Cassandra and Mrs. Ape sat down to a hand of gin rummy.

"So, Doctor Disco," Mrs. Ape drawled, "When will the wedding be?"

"Oh, not for some months," Austen answered before the Doctor could.

"Months? My dear, you cannot wait that long. You must not deny yourself your womanhood."

"Gaining womanhood through unity with a man is not a proposition one can quickly realize."

But Mrs. Ape wasn't listening. Her face had lit up and she turned to Cassandra, "Didn't you say that there was a priest in attendance today?"

"Why, of course; Father Cornister. He joins every card game he can; he's quite the gambler."

Mrs. Ape beamed, "Well then, what is the tarry? Let us see this beautiful union today. Right here, in your house. It will be a great blessing upon your home."

"What a delightful idea!" Cassandra agreed, clapping her hands excitedly.

"No!" Austen said too quickly, but then regained her composure and shook her head daintily, "That will not do at all. I must have my sister by my side for my wedding."

"She will be told all about it, don't worry, dear girl." Said Mrs. Ape, standing up and garnering the attention of the room.

"But my family-" Austen began.

"He is the only family you need now," Cassandra interrupted her, grabbing her hand and squeezing. And then her eyes sparkled, "Harold will want to see this." She turned to a panel on the wall behind her and rang a bell attached to a string that ran into the wall, "He will be with us momentarily."

The Doctor turned to Jane and hissed in her ear, "I can't get married again! I don't want to be like that guy from Friends!"

"Doctor, Harold is the monster I was telling you about- her fiancé. This might be our only chance to inter him." Jane whispered back.

"But-"

"No one is more against this union than I, but if this is how we apprehend this nefarious creature, then so be it." She took his hand and stood up, a steely determination in her eyes.

Mrs. Ape addressed the card players, "Dear friends, today we will bear witness to that most perfect and necessary of God's gifts to humanity: marriage." Several of the attendees clapped; most of them did not look up from their cards. Mrs. Ape turned to a very elderly gentleman with a huge white beard who was far too engrossed in losing the proceeds from the collection plate to be listening. "Father Cornister, will you do the honours?"

Father Cornister did not turn around until one of his fellow players tapped him on the shoulder. He then looked up at Mrs. Ape's beaming face and mumbled something that sounded like agreement.

"Splendid! Now, shall we begin?"

"Shouldn't we wait for the lord of the house?" The Doctor suggested. "Would he want to miss this? I know I would." Austen elbowed him in the ribs, "Not. I would not."

"He will join us in a moment," Cassandra said, "Please begin, Father Cornister."

Father Cornister began murmuring, and he might have been saying 'dearly beloved' or dictating a recipe for soup. The various card players, realising that they would indeed have to put their games on hold, stood up and began congregating around the priest and the allegedly happy couple- except for those who took the time to steal back their losses. The Doctor started looking for possible escape routes, wondering if he could break the window with a long enough run up. The throng, headed by Mrs. Ape and Cassandra, seemed to get closer and closer, more and more foreboding, expectant and fearsome, encircling the Doctor and Jane in a tight, imploring ring. Perfect for a marriage.

Father Cornister paused then and the room turned to The Doctor- it seemed he was expected to say 'I do'.

His eyes widened and he bit his lip. "Ah, well, yes, you see, the thing is- I like Jane, I really do, terrific girl, great writer, absolutely astounding at Mario Kart, but I couldn't really- that is to say, I don't think I'm the one to- really, she deserves-"

"Get on with it," Mrs. Ape commanded, "Correct the course of your life!"

At that moment, the doors burst open and Harold entered. He was a tall man, over six foot, with dark brown hair and a roman nose. He seemed to be adjusting a wrist watch as he entered, "I'm sorry for my absence, I was taking care of some business upstairs." He walked over to Cassandra.

"Oh, dearest, isn't it wonderful?" She whispered, "We are hosting a marriage!"

Harold bowed to Father Cornister, "Then, please, don't let me spoil things."

"Alright then." The Doctor said, pulling his sonic screwdriver from his pocket and pointing it at Harold. It buzzed and Harold seemed to blur.

The card players gasped, Father Cornister wheezed and Cassandra took a step back. But after a second, the sonic stopped whirring and Harold's appearance righted itself; he seemed not to have even noticed that something had happened.

"What's wrong?" He asked, as everyone in the room stared at him.

The Doctor looked down at the readings on the screwdriver, "My goodness, that's a powerful Schimmer. You really are dedicated." He banged on the end of the sonic and pointed it at Harold once more. Again, it was as though the picture of the man had gone out of focus: it fuzzed and fitzed for a few seconds and then suddenly the image of Harold blinked out, like a television screen being switched off.

The Doctor yelled triumphantly "Aha- huh?"

The creature that stood in Harold's place was seven foot tall, with skin as white as snow and a strange, bald, rectangular head. Mrs. Ape screamed.

"That's- that's not a Jarofvex." The Doctor commented, stupefied.

Harold looked down to see his appearance revealed. "You stupid man- look what you've done!" His voice was different- it echoed unnaturally. "You have unmanned me. I demand satisfaction!" He went to draw a pistol from his belt.

Cassandra took a step towards him and grabbed his hand to stop him, "My love-"

Jane called, "No, Miss Bixby, get away from him!"

Cassandra put her other hand on Harold's chest and sighed, "My love, you are revealed. They know. But there is no need for violence." She stroked him and gingerly he let go of his pistol.

Austen's mouth fell open, "You were aware of his true nature?"

"But of course," Cassandra looked at Harold and could not help but smile, "he is my beloved."

"But- but-" Jane looked bewildered, "You are a puritan. You looked down on me for my spinsterhood."

"Yes," Cassandra answered, "The bible is very clear on a woman's place. However, it doesn't say anything about aliens."

Mrs. Ape's mouth was still wide, although she seemed to have run out of scream.

"You." The Doctor addressed Harold,"What are you doing on this planet?"

"I am here to be with Cassandra. I emigrated for love- it's all very above board."

"And the Schimmer?" The Doctor asked, pointing at the 'watch' on Harold's wrist.

"I did not want my beloved to have to foresake her social circle for me. So I bought a deception device with an Orion Battery- enough power to last a lifetime." He grasped Cassandra's hand, "I intend to stay on this planet permanently."

The Doctor gawked. "You have an Orion Battery strapped to your wrist? Do you know what would happen if you pressed the wrong button on that thing? You could atomise this entire town." Harold shrugged and pulled Cassandra close to him, the Doctor rolled his eyes. "God, you're all the same, you romantics: 'I don't care if it detonates half of Northamptonshire, as long as I'm getting some'."

"You have knowledge beyond your circumstance, sir," Harold observed. "I take it you are not of this world either?"

"Well, no. It's why I came here, actually: I thought you were a Jarofvex."

"How dare you?" Harold's hand reached for his pistol once more, "You insult me! I demand satisfaction."

The Doctor held up his hands, "No, I mean, there is a Jarofvex on the loose in this house."

Harold scoffed, "There most certainly is not. Don't be-"

At that exact second, Felix burst into the room, screeching, and ran to hide behind the Doctor. The Jarofvex loped in after him.

"Told you." The Doctor said.

The Jarofvex stopped in the doorway and sniffed the air, "So much technology," it growled happily. Looking from Harold, to the Doctor, to Jane, to Felix. "Who will give it to me? Who will spare themselves?"

Mrs. Ape found her voice again and started screaming at the Jarofvex.

"Shut it!" Roared the alien, and its metallic left arm shifted into a long spear which it rammed into Mrs. Ape's chest.

Her screaming stopped.

She fell to the floor, and Cassandra went to call out, but Harold grabbed her arm, "No, my love," he said, "The Jarofvex has very accute hearing; do not anger it."

"If you really don't want me angry," the Jarofvex said, "Then give me that thing on your wrist."

Harold put his hand over the Schimmer, "I will not."

"Then I will pluck it from you."

"Wait, why do you need a Schimmer?" The Doctor asked, "I mean, obviously you wouldn't want to look like that if you could help it, but we've already seen you."

"The core," Answered the Jarofvex, taking particular time over the word, "They blocked it off to me. But with an Orion Battery, and a slight bit of tweaking," here its arm morphed briefly into hundreds of tiny tendrils, "I can blast through their stupid shields and feast to my heart's delight!" The Jarofvex supped the air at the thought.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you but the core of this planet is actually a giant spider's web," The Doctor said matter-of-factly.

"What?" Austen asked, incredulous.

"Long story," The Doctor replied, "But that's why he can't get through."

"Enough explanations!" The Jarofvex slathered, "I will have what I want!" Its left arm formed into a saw and it stepped towards Harold. The Doctor raised his screwdriver, but the Jarofvex flicked him away with its claw. He flew into a wall and banged his head, hard. Cassandra screamed, and the Jarofvex slashed her, tearing her dress and drawing blood, she fell back into Harold's arms.

"No." He whispered, seeing her injuries.

The Jarofvex, now face to face with Harold, raised its arm to start cutting, when Jane Austen stepped in between them, "I would stop you, sir."

"How?" It smirked.

Austen smirked back, "There's an app for that." She tapped a button on her phone and a high-pitched noise filled the room. The Jarofvex threw its arms up over its ears and shook its head from side to side. It looked to be in agony. Austen bought the phone closer and it reacted even more violently, careening from side to side and dropping to its knees, the metal in it arm shifting forms too quickly to see. "You will not harm my planet," Austen said, and she held the phone even closer to the Jarofvex, when suddenly the metal from its rapidly-changing limb slammed into the phone, smashing it to pieces. The Jarofvex jumped to its feet and knocked Austen back.

"I will slice you all into a thousand pieces and consume this world!" Yelled the Jarofvex, but then Harold was standing before it, holding the Schimmer in his hand, his left on his gun. "Are you giving in?" It asked, delighted.

"You harmed my bride," Harold seethed, white hot with rage.

"Your little gun doesn't scare me." The Jarofvex spat.

"I demand satisfaction!" He pressed a button on the Schimmer and a burst of bright white light consumed the Jarofvex. When it faded, all the furniture in its path had been reduced to ash, all that was left of the Jarofvex was some iron filings.


	8. Chapter 8

Harold ran and lifted Cassandra bridal style off the floor, "Are you well, my love?"

"Yes," she said, though her voice was weak.

The Doctor picked himself up and dusted down his jacket with his hands, "Well, that was the third least dramatic of my weddings."

Jane too was already standing and readjusting her clothes, "That was not a wedding, Doctor, it was a trap." She paused, "So, yes, I guess 'wedding' is a perfectly apt word."

The card players did not know where to look or what to be most shocked at. A couple decided to just resume their games.

"What happened to the creature?" Cassandra asked Harold.

"I killed it, my love. But in doing so, I spent the battery. My disguise is undone- I will have to depart this world. We can be together no more."

"Oh, who cares?" Felix asked, far too loud.

"Hold your tongue," Austen commanded.

"Miss Austen, with all the best will in the world, shove it." Felix addressed the room, "Ladies and gentlemen of regency England, I am not a mute. And I'm not a butler. And I'm from the future. If you don't believe me, then listen to this," he pulled out his nokia, pressed a button and played 'La Cucaracha', "Pretty weird, huh? And guess what? None of this survives. Not your money, not your houses and certainly not your values. Everyone in the future laughs at you. You're so into telling other people what to do, how to live and what to be, and you don't know how stupid you seem. How bloody poncey and stuck up. And why? What is the point? What does it benefit you to treat other people like this? To make them feel small and worthless because they don't do exactly what you would. If Cassandra wants to live with an alien, let her. It does not effect you in any way. The world will keep on turning and no one will be any worse off. She'll be happy and you won't have lost anything. It is absolutely nothing to do with you. And Cassandra," he turned to the woman being cradled in the alien's arms, "if they do give you grief, just ignore them: you've found happiness, you don't need them."

The room was silent for a few moments, and Felix looked around, hoping people would start clapping. When they didn't, he slinked out of the room and muttered, "I'll be in the TARDIS."

When he had gone, Austen walked over to Cassandra, "I hope you will be well again, Miss Bixby. I would hate for our friendship to be cut short once more; however, if you persist with this puritannical bent, then I am afraid we can count ourselves as acquaintances no more. I will not be marrying, Cassandra, it is not in my temperament. I hope to see you again soon."

She turned to go, but Cassandra called out, "Wait, Miss Austen!" Jane turned to look back at her and Cassandra smiled weakly, "I would not want you to miss my wedding." She shifted slightly in Harold's arms and looked out at the shocked denizens of the room, "My friends, I am now going to join in union with my betrothed. He is the light of my life and the one I find most comforting in all the world. Leave, if you will. Shun me, if you must. But I will not hide my heart anymore. I am in love, and that is a wonderful thing!" She pressed her head lovingly against her fiancé's chest.

"Father Cornister, will you do the honours?" Harold asked.

The priest, who had taken the last few minutes in his stride, perhaps because he couldn't see them behind his facial hair, launched once more into a renewed wedding ceremony. Or possibly he recited the history of Cuba. Either way, when he paused, Harold and then Cassandra said 'I do' and by the end of it they were generally considered to be married by those in attendance.

Once husband and wife had disappeared upstairs to the master bedroom, the Doctor and Austen headed back to the TARDIS.

"Thank you, Doctor." Jane said, standing at the door.

"Well, I didn't really do anything," The Doctor said, "Other than unmask a completely innocent man who was just trying to live with the love of his life anonymously." He paused. "I kind of messed up on this one, actually."

"You bought me where I needed to be."

"See? I knew you just wanted a lift."

She smiled and then glanced at the TARDIS, "Is Felix inside? I would speak to him. Alone."

The Doctor nodded and Jane stepped inside, Felix sat at the console, playing snake. Austen walked over, coughed politely and when he didn't look up, she said, "I apologise. My attitude when I heard of your...proclivities was wrong. It is not for me to tell others how to live. You really are a most peculiar gentleman- and that is how you should remain. "

Felix smiled, "Thank you. And I'm sorry I told you to shove it."

"It's alright," Austen responded, "I don't know what that means."

"Don't google it," Felix suggested.

The Doctor, who had marvellous timing for someone who definitely hadn't been eavesdropping, chose that moment to enter. "All good?" He asked. Jane and Felix nodded, and he clapped his hands together, "Excellent! Now, Miss Austen, shall I take you home? Or perhaps you'd like to come along with us on our next trip?"

Jane shook her head, "Thank you, Doctor, but I've had enough excitement for one day. But perhaps next week, I shall want to help save the world again."

"Well, any time, you know you're welcome." The Doctor said, "Just give me a call."

"I can't." Austen held up her shattered I-phone, "The beast robbed me of my Angry Birds."

"Oh, no bother," The Doctor said, pulling a fresh handset from his pocket, "Should have everything you need on it."

Felix gaped, "Can I have one?"

"I'm not Father Christmas!" The Doctor protested. "I don't just have unlimited I-phones!" He pulled four out of his pocket, "These are the only ones I have left." He put them back in his pocket, without giving one to Felix.

Austen smiled, "Farewell, Doctor; Felix." She exited the TARDIS.

"So," The Doctor clapped his hands together and began twiddling things on the console, "Where to next?"

Felix was staring at where Austen had just left, thinking, suddenly he turned and asked "Can we visit my grandfather?"

"Seems a bit pedestrian," The Doctor replied, wrinkling his nose.

"In 1963." Felix added.

"That's no less pedestrian to me," The Doctor said.

"I just...there's something I need to say to him; something I wish I'd said while he was alive."

"Uh huh," The Doctor nodded, "But why go to him in the sixties? He won't recognise you. You won't even have been born."

"I want to see him when he's young, when he's strong, before he got so...difficult."

"Alright," The Doctor jabbed a few buttons and set a new course, "I'll let you meet him. But make sure you don't make too big an impression. Or sneeze on him. Or tell him who wins Big Brother. These things have consequences."

Felix nodded, "Understood. I just want to meet him." But, behind his back, his fists were clenched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE DOCTOR AND FELIX WILL RETURN IN "THE GRANDFATHER PUNCHADOX".


End file.
